Winds of Change

It is now the end of September, and finally cool winds are blowing, clouds are in the sky, and the blazing heat has vanished. I have given up on the garden, only a few tomatoes remain on the vines, and with the cooling of the weather they may not ripen. I had very high hopes for the garden this year, but the highest yielding plants were the "Ichiban" eggplants, and it turned out there were not too many ways to cook them that any of us enjoyed. The sunflowers were lovely, big and bright, and their blooms gave me many weeks of joy. I must remember to plant sunflowers every year!

My son had a birthday last week, he's now 13 going on 30. The changes he has gone through the past year are huge - from boy to someone who thinks he is a man! He has assumed the man of the house role since his dad died, so in a way he has earned the right to claim the man title. He is overly bossy, thinks he is right about everything, obsessive about locking the doors and turning off the lights, and is a major penny-pincher. I try to rein him in when it becomes too annoying, but usually just let him do his thing, because I think somehow it helps him feel he has some control in this crazy world where so many things happen that we can't control. He does have the ability to show his love for his family, in actions and words, and as long as he can do that, all is well.

We have changed as a family these past months since the loss of my husband in so many ways. Roles have changed, routines have changed, and we are more deeply bonded and protective of each other. We realize that despite our grief, which is still very present, we can be happy and that it's OK to be happy.

Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. - C. S. Lewis

addendum to last blog

The last paragraph of the posting is from a book of meditations called "Praying Through Our Losses." I left out the actual line from Galatians that followed the paragraph, which is:

"You should carry each other's troubles"

This is an adaptation, and in my NIV bible it actually reads:

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

End of Summer

Last week the kids went back to school, and I find myself with a lot of time on my hands in the mornings and early afternoons. I don't have to go to work at the hospital until 2:30 p.m., so that leaves plenty of time for whatever needs to be done. I feel like I need to take some of this time for myself to just do nothing . . . just be. But if I am alone too much I tend to start thinking about Richard, and getting wrapped up in the questions I have in my mind about his death, the loss of our future, the effect it will have on the kids, whether I am doing the right things now as a single parent, etc. So it's probably better to stay busy for the most part.

We kept ourselves very busy this summer with trips to the coast, visiting family in San Diego, and the kids had a lot of fun. Some of it was hard for me, like going back to places in San Diego that I went to many times with Richard, and even talking to an old neighbor. But I felt that I really needed to see those places again, and it was part of my healing process.

The kids are both as big as I am now, and turning out to be such great people. They have been through such a difficult time, but carry on, and have very strong characters. They seem to have matured at a more rapid pace these past six months since our loss. I lean on them for my strength, and their youthful optimism keep me looking forward to God's plan for my future.

Loss changes our vision of life;
it can give birth to deeper self-awareness
and open our heart to greater love
for other people and for God.
- adapted from Galatians 6:2